While you love your baby, bleeding, sore and cracked nipples aren’t fun, not to mention the stares and comments of judgy people when you’re fulfilling a basic human need — breastfeeding your child in public. You’d think these people would know better than to mess with a mama bear with a third boob (read: baby) and angry sharp-shooting nipples. The third boob’s got great aim, too. Well, if these pervs want to sexualize a nurturing act, you can take advantage of their ignorance and have a little fun in the process. Here are five breakout boob time hits guaranteed to shock and shake the most holier-than-thou igits:
Let’s All Go To The Bathroom Together
This one is for the folks who proclaim: “You can’t do that in here. Do that in the bathroom.” With all the sass you can muster, say: “You know, you’re right. A side of bacteria is just what baby and I need! That’s such a lovely idea, and I would adore your company at the commode. We’ll have steak served medium rare right on the toilet seat, with only partially used sanitary pads as napkins. It’ll be so convenient for me, too, since my lady parts need to be close to a restroom at all times. I can’t promise we won’t poop dessert for you.” Add this if you like: “Now, take your bull crap and flush it. The bathroom is over there.” Wave them away like the royal you are, mama.
Bless Your Heart and Praise Be
When it comes to a little renegade tit for Baby Tat, everyone suddenly gets all holy. “You’re being indecent in the eyes of God,” and all that jazz. Let your head bow solemnly, not in shame. Let the most compassionate of expressions overcome your clearly displayed sense of pity, and say: “Why bless your sweet little heart and your concern for my and baby’s souls. Can I ask you a question?” You know how they love to start with that. Flip the script. Pause for dramatic effect, and continue with relevant Biblical references, crossing yourself. “Is how the Baby Jesus was nurtured not good enough for our own children? Is it not written in Luke 11:27, ‘Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and that paps which thou hast sucked?’Does it not say in Psalms 22:9, ‘Yet you are He who took me out of the womb; you made me hope and trust when I was on my mother’s breasts…?’”And, of course, you can also reference 1 Thessalonians. 2:7-8, which states, “But we behaved gently when we were among you, like a devoted mother nursing and cherishing her own children. So, being thus tenderly and affectionately desirous of you, we continued to share with you not only God’s good news but also our own lives as well, for you had become so very dear to us.”End with: “Praise be.” Apparently, that’s the standard dismissal in patriarchal societies with antiquated faiths.
Would You Like Some Cream With That ‘Tude?
You know the look — the judgy stare whether or not the person actually says anything. Give it right back! Narrow your eyes and gauge the distance from you to your target. If they say anything even remotely demeaning, ask if they’re allergic to dairy because you’ve gotten really good with your sharp-shooting nips. Ready. Aim. Fire! You could always carry a little breast milk in water balloons and achieve the same ends — and make a bigger splash should it become necessary!
Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you say. Nonsense keeps spilling from that hole in their mouth. So, join in the nonsense party. No matter what they say, answer their weak arguments only in boob puns with a breastfeeding mama take:
- How titillating!
- I’m just doing my breast.
- You might as well sit here with me. I can’t calm my tits, either.
- In this saggy boob competition, I’ll wipe the floor with you.
- You know what you and my baby have in common? You suck.
- I had to undo my bust before it combusted. Sorry. Not Sorry.
- With great breasts, comes great responsibility.
- Do you really have breast envy that badly?
- Nip slip over lipstick.
- Some booby needs a nap. Off you go!
Hand out the Law
As a breastfeeding mother, it’s important that you know the law regarding public breastfeeding and advocate for your rights. Idaho is the only state that forbids public breastfeeding, but nursing your child in a restaurant or the park is perfectly legal in the other 49 states. While facts can educate, some people can only be dismissed through the black-and-white law. When challenged, simply say in your most charming Disney princess sing-song voice, “Oh my, now where did I put my rights? Oh, here they are!” Hand the accusing party the lawful ruling verbiage for your state, highlighted. Bonus points if you get operatic. You have every right to nurse your child wherever you please and must. You spend enough time dealing with sore, leaky tatas without having to deal with bigoted, misinformed attitudes, but when you do, break out the wit with the boob — because “With great breasts, comes great responsibility.” Suck on that, igits!