Yes, I prefer my tiny human on the boob, but at the end of the day — kiddos should get whatever they need and what works. Your body, your child — your choice, mama. Sure, we could talk about the benefits of breastfeeding all day and how they can enrich your life and your child’s health, but it’s time to suggest something revolutionary. Facts are meant to inform, not regulate a family and child’s life according to some perceived notion of the right way to feed and nurture a child. Mamas don’t got time for that sh*t — they’re too busy cleaning up baby poo from the preferred form of feeding.
More Questions From Haters Than From the Soon-To-Be Toddler
Welcome to motherhood as a breastfeeding mom. You get more questions from haters than you’ll get from your soon-to-be toddler. The haters spew nonsense faster than the speed of light, so fast that the Tardis has trouble keeping up. Timey-wimey meets mammary-wammery. Might as well rent a robot from China that will tell everyone all about your body, your bowel movements, your birth plan, your tiny human and how OMG, YES, you’re breastfeeding. I thought about making a t-shirt in the spirit of “No talkie before coffee,” but my informative list got too long. To sum it up, “Breastfeeding rocks for me and mine. Now, SHUTTIE.” End. Of. Story.
Why It Pumps Me Up
Moms learn to put up with everything, and unnecessary extras from others add weight to everyday motherhood — if there is such a thing as everyday motherhood. People ask ignorant, rude and random questions — it’s what people do. Shouldn’t moms suck it up and move on? Nope. I refuse to waste my time running through the list of why breastfeeding and its benefits work for my family and me, and it exhausts me. It drains me to conjure up yet another response to some stranger asking me why my child prefers boob juice while in the checkout line. If you say “no,” that triggers more reactions, from the barrage of sorries to how sorry you are for not formula-feeding your tiny human. You know what, haters? Suck it. My child gets nutrition, and I’m not going to guilt the mom in front of me for the formula she’s buying her kid. Her child, her choice. The game is rigged from the start. Moms can’t win, and if that’s the case, my garden is set on growing the boob juice. Meanwhile, I respect every mom and child’s nutritional choice.
Because It Is Personal Choice
Excuse me, but do my breasts belong to you? No. How I feed my child is a personal choice, and it’s a personal choice for every family. Kids suffer from food allergies and latching issues. Some have to switch from the boob to formula. So what? The baby gets fed. The end. Ladies, let’s not justify our choices to others. Maybe you’d prefer your child fed by formula or via boob, but your kid had other ideas. That happens. It sucks getting asked, “So, are you still breastfeeding?” as a mom who struggled to breastfeed and then ended up having to tell her saga and medical history to a complete stranger. No. I’m pro-breastfeeding and pro-feed-your-kid-what-works. Don’t you dare make my eye twitch in that checkout line, or you may get a boob squirt in the eyeball. I’m now live-performing my answers to these inappropriate questions — when I feel like responding. Here are eight of my classics.
“Oh, Would You Like Some?”
How very rude of me to ignore you with my poor manners and offend you by not kindly offering you some of this delicious, nutritious boob juice. It’s also good for a series of cuts, scrapes and eczema. Would you like some? Insult me. Shame me. Stare at me. Cue the boob squirt.
“Bust First, Let Me Tell You About My Crusty Boob”
So you want to know my personal business? Okay, let’s do this in excruciatingly gross detail. We’ll start with nipple crust and work our way down to undersupply and food allergy issues. I may stab myself first, or you might stab yourself — let’s see who lasts. If I’m not feeling wily, I’ll stick with “That’s personal.”
“First Vino, Then Cappuccino”
Oh, I prefer wine. You know what they say, “First vino, then cappuccino. Bye-oh.”
“They’re My Boobs; Go Watch YouTube”
I’d rather not talk about my breasts in public. Watch YouTube, weirdos. Lots of informative videos exist there, like this mind-blowing one where women feed other women’s babies with their own breast milk. The audacity!
“It’s All Milk at the End of the Day”
Formula isn’t milk? Gasp! No, really, it’s all milk at the end of the day, and formula is a nutritious alternative to breast milk, according to experts. That response drives them all crazy because they can’t provoke me. Formula saves breastfeeding moms from going crazy sometimes too. I may breastfeed, but I totally support formula-fed babies and their moms.
“Nope”
I’ve said it to creepy dudes, and I’ll say it to anyone who feels so entitled to inquire about the use of my boobs. “Nope.” One word, and then they don’t exist at all.
Silence
Silence is golden, at least that’s what they say. Me? I say nada. Blink. Blink.
“My Baby Is Powered on Boob Juice”
I just own it and get quirky with it. In my head, I go full-on sarcasm and nonsense, “And you’re powered by farts and where dreams go to die?”Feel free to snag any of those and twist them for your own needs and purposes. While I believe in the power of the boob, I support all moms and their feeding choices. Unite, mamas, unite!
